WARNING: this post contains traces Openness and unmoderated honesty. People with the conditions: narrow-mindedness, prejudice may have some difficulty. Those with Judgemental written on their foreheads are advised to leave the blog space NOW!
Home ain't so sweet. Nobody seems... happy. Not even me. Well I was till I started sneezing and stuff. Which basically means an hour.
The weather is gloomy, the house is cold, I'm tired. I have no motivation. One could say that I have become myself again. I wish I could take a certain someone's advice and 'Go back to manchester' cos no one there at least has told me to 'go back to sunderland'. What a way to feel welcome eh?
Whatver happened to 'golden silences'? What happened to 'If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all'? Everybody has forgotten I think that actions speak louder than words and SOMETIMES words are just an unecessary accessory. Not intended to be a constant companion.
I think when you're a child you accept the world for what it is. But then you grow up and you meet so many contradictions to what you thought the world was that its just baffling. Unfair even. I'm not entirely sure what word I'm looking for. Or if there even is a perfect word.
At times I think I'll be happy to just let the world know what I'm thinking. Then again, I don't always want to hear what the world has to say back. I want to go to happy world. I'm appreciating the fact that heaven is a place without all this ... ... ... darkness?
I know that sounded like a strange thing to say but I remember thinking once upon a long time ago., when there were no wrinkles upon my young brow, about heaven. And I couldn't help but have that awful picture of boringness. Maybe not exactly the whole cloud thing with weirdos playing harps but that same sort of wishy washy passiveness. I remember, perhaps blasphemously, wondering what it was that was so great about heaven. Or what it was that made heaven special and different. I think it was curiousity though, not blaspheming. I accept that I will never understand the magnificence and wonderment of heaven but as an adult I think I see the ugliness of the world more. So even if I can't comprehend the beauty of heaven, I can appreciate the lack of ugliness.
Cute isn't it, how the world looks to us when we are children. I knew even then that I was happy. I just didn't know I had such a gift.
I know that some children, if not all of them, wonder why adults are the way they are. Why 'grown ups' are so miserable compared to themselves. They're given explanations in the form of words like stress and responsiblity which don't really mean much. I suppose grown ups miss out the bit about things going from black and white to big blank grey canvas. A world where things are not so soild. Your mother and father are not perfect people who've got everything sorted. You don't always know who your best friend is and you defintely can't be sure of who all of your friends are. People can willfully misunderstand you or constantly harbour the delusion that you misunderstand them even when you don't! You have the oppurtunity to finally make an impact on the world and you can be woefully aware of how little you are doing or just push it all to back of your mind. Its not easy to convey all those feelings to a child. No wonder they just leave it as 'Enjoy your childhood. Its the best time of your life. Everything is easy.' and the all time favourite, 'you'll understand when you're older'.
I'm sure at the back of my mind, as a child, I thought that by the time I was grown up I would be the person I wanted to be. It didn't cross my mind that I might not know who I want to be. Being a grown up was defined as the time I reached my maximum height. I'm hoping for a growth spurt, mostly metaphorically, because I feel I have a lot of growing left to do... I'm still lazy about tidying my bed!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Poor Sundae- this post is the complete opposite of the one before which was all sunshine and kittens and cake.. You know you were homesick like crazy before you went and a couple days sunshine doesn't mean you weren't sick of old manchester, with it's tall and old buildings and the giant puddles on the wonky roads :p
children are allowed to be completely and joyously selfish which helps them have such a happy simple life. At the same time they're subject to the whims of others and entirely dependent- you are way down in the hierarchy of control. Even then it was frustrating to be treated as a child- for all the tree-climbing days there was also the boiled cabbage at school forced down your gullet. I like things better now to be honest..
Take care kiddo
Post a Comment