Today was nothing out of the ordinary. The sunshine looked deceitfully promising so I stepped out of the house geared up in black trousers to defend myself against the terrors of the wind, black jilbaab to match the clouds when they came in and a fairly warm jacket to protect myself against the evening wind! I stepped out unwittingly into scorching sun; not a branch was swaying - no breeze at all. Serves my cynicism bloomin right dunnit?
JR amazingly enough had a empty seat right in blue1, I could handle that. Except a dear friend, god bless her soul, decided to drag me off to red2. Of course by the time I got there, the seat in red was gone, so was my original parking spot in blue. Not to worry, I found an equally naff spot not too far away. Oh it was perfect, the lights were dim, there was no to look in on me, it was cosy warm. Ah well. Come lunch time, I had a big staisfying lunch and got sleepier. Nodded right off till my phone rang. Clearly, the JR trip today was just not going to do me any favours. Especially in the heat.
I decided I'd go home, dehijab, splay myself out in the empty bedroom on the double bed with all my notes and textbooks after another cup of coffee. Dear dear caffeine, has kept me going these past couple of weeks. I get to the house... 'Aneesa?' calls miss pink. 'Ja!' I answer. 'Oh my brother's in the house, well he's just upstairs in my room'. Fine I think. I'm tired. I shall settle in md's room while she's taking a break. I can dehijab there.
MD was watching one frrreakish movie. Random ghosts, weird illnesses these people have and they're all pretty suicidal too. Suddenly there is middle aged pakistani man in the garden we can see through the patio door! And this is real life. No movie. Naturally my reaction is get up and wrap a big piece of cloth around my head and shriek about how rude it is to walk into people's gardens! Then I pull the curtain and go upstairs. I see the man peeping through the hedges from my window. Ruddy bob! Is he looking for a way back to his own garden? How very very strange...
Meanwhile miss pink who is at this time at her unclegees has been informed via text about 'the strange man' who apparently came by earlier that morning as well but apparently the sighting had been dismissed as some kind of delusion on md's part. So whilst washing the billion dishes and pans in the sink I get a call and of course I shriek the story over the phone - non of my usual dulcet tones in there. Once I get the shrieking out of my system I'm back to calmly doing the dishes. Its a very therapeutic little task I say. Out of the blue there's another man in the garden. Again, asian and I can tell just from the back of his head! As I flee with soapy hands to shriek, oh yes, yet again, to md about 'more strange men' I spot a floaty blue hijab next to the strange man's head. It all makes sense now.
'Oh lord', I say to md, 'I was just about to complain to you about 'return of the strange man' but its just miss pink accompanied by her brother'. Luckily the curtains are still drawn in md's room so I find refuge there. So off goes pink's bro, after checking that there's still 4 deck chairs, to go shout at the retarded neighbours fully unaware that he himself was half the fright! Ah well. Happens right?
A certain housemate of mine now lives in fear of opening her curtains. Do people not think about the frog who was hit by the careless stone?
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Friday, 22 May 2009
exams!
So exactly one month on, the first exam is over. It was bizarre. I actually felt anxious / nervous / panicked / worried before this exam. These are normal feelings to have the night before an exam leading up to the moment when the examiner says 'stop writing, turn your scripts over...' blah blah blah. Thing is, I was surprised to feel anxious - I can't remember feeling that way in a long time, since A levels. That was 3 years ago! Then I was surprised that I should be surprised at the nervousness.
Ah, I'm not sure I explained myself very well but it really hit me that I've been emotionally lame or something for quite some time and only now that I'm returning to normal can I say that my lack of drive all this time was 'just a phase'. After all you can't know something is a phase till its over. Feelings are the driving forces behind our actions and I suppose like all things, you don't know what you had till it goes. In my case, I only know what I've missed when I get it back. Like when my eldest brother used to go off to boarding school for months at a time, I'd be sad when he left but I'd only realise how much I'd missed him when he came back.
I don't think I can fully express how strange this concept is to me after I've so casually laid it down in black and white. I mean, its normal to think that when a person injures their leg, it takes time to heal, that a person can be mentally ill and recover <--- that at least has some physiological links but who thought that disfuntional emotions could be a handicap? I dunno, maybe I'm just a bit slow on the uptake of understanding life. Or at least of understanding myself. But what can a person really know of something that changes constantly? How much good does it even do to try and constantly keep track of the changes to evaluate them? The amount of time and effort it would take is probably not worth the results in the end.
Anyway, its nice to fear failure, to hope for something good and to want to work for it. Ha ha, can't believe I just said it was nice to fear something. Ah well. Really though, it wasn't so long ago when lack of ambition wasn't enough to make me back down from something because I had the fear of failure to fall back on, to drive me to complete a task and complete it well. Where had that gone?! Sigh.
I have much to be grateful for. Its so true that we never understand quite how much we have, how much we are given, that we might just as easily not be. Here's another observation from my self-psycho-analysis. Its always easier to talk about something when its over.
My childhood is over. Seriously. I think I was on youtube or something looking at my account profile and it had the usual location, gender, age... OH MY GOD. The numbers two-one have never looked so BIG. I know I had a full year, as with all birthdays, that this is the number I'm approaching but still, it was sobering to see it somehow. I know you're legally an adult when you reach 18 but thats still teens and people are still more than willing to see you a just-a-kid which is a great cover for a whole range of mistakes, careless actions, etc. So now that I'm not 'kidding' myself anymore (hah!) I wonder if what I'll do with my life. Will it make a difference? Is it ok to ask a question that could take the rest of life to find out?
Ah, I'm not sure I explained myself very well but it really hit me that I've been emotionally lame or something for quite some time and only now that I'm returning to normal can I say that my lack of drive all this time was 'just a phase'. After all you can't know something is a phase till its over. Feelings are the driving forces behind our actions and I suppose like all things, you don't know what you had till it goes. In my case, I only know what I've missed when I get it back. Like when my eldest brother used to go off to boarding school for months at a time, I'd be sad when he left but I'd only realise how much I'd missed him when he came back.
I don't think I can fully express how strange this concept is to me after I've so casually laid it down in black and white. I mean, its normal to think that when a person injures their leg, it takes time to heal, that a person can be mentally ill and recover <--- that at least has some physiological links but who thought that disfuntional emotions could be a handicap? I dunno, maybe I'm just a bit slow on the uptake of understanding life. Or at least of understanding myself. But what can a person really know of something that changes constantly? How much good does it even do to try and constantly keep track of the changes to evaluate them? The amount of time and effort it would take is probably not worth the results in the end.
Anyway, its nice to fear failure, to hope for something good and to want to work for it. Ha ha, can't believe I just said it was nice to fear something. Ah well. Really though, it wasn't so long ago when lack of ambition wasn't enough to make me back down from something because I had the fear of failure to fall back on, to drive me to complete a task and complete it well. Where had that gone?! Sigh.
I have much to be grateful for. Its so true that we never understand quite how much we have, how much we are given, that we might just as easily not be. Here's another observation from my self-psycho-analysis. Its always easier to talk about something when its over.
My childhood is over. Seriously. I think I was on youtube or something looking at my account profile and it had the usual location, gender, age... OH MY GOD. The numbers two-one have never looked so BIG. I know I had a full year, as with all birthdays, that this is the number I'm approaching but still, it was sobering to see it somehow. I know you're legally an adult when you reach 18 but thats still teens and people are still more than willing to see you a just-a-kid which is a great cover for a whole range of mistakes, careless actions, etc. So now that I'm not 'kidding' myself anymore (hah!) I wonder if what I'll do with my life. Will it make a difference? Is it ok to ask a question that could take the rest of life to find out?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)